Transcript for
Staying connected when a parent works away from home
Narrator (00:02):
Welcome to the Emerging Minds Families podcast.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (00:06):
Hi, I’m Alicia Ranford, and you’re listening to an Emerging Minds Families podcast. Before we start today’s conversations, I would like to pay respect to the traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Kaurna people of the Adelaide Plains. We also pay respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, their ancestors and elders past, present, and emerging from the different First Nations across Australia.
(00:30):
Today we are talking about something that affects many families in Australia. Over the last decade, it has become more and more common for employees to hire workers from interstate or in fact overseas. With many roles being situated in remote locations, our ability to jump on a plane has made it easier and easier to take a job suited to your skill and qualifications further afield from home. And this is without the need to relocate your family away from their support networks. But what does this mean for family life? Today we are talking to Sally Brady. She’s the mother of three children and wife to a husband who has spent much time away from work. This is a topic really close to my own heart because my husband has worked for many years doing fly in, fly out, so I’m really delighted to welcome you today, Sally, thank you for joining us.
Sally Brady (Guest) (01:22):
Thanks, Alicia.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (01:23):
Sally, I wondered if you could start by telling us a little bit about who makes up your family and what has taken your husband away for work.
Sally Brady (Guest) (01:32):
Okay. I have three children. I have Mabel who’s almost 16. She’s my oldest. I have Jude, who is 14, and Sam, who is nearly 12. Obviously, my husband, Joel, he started going away for work because he was in the defence force. He is in the army as a pilot, and that’s where our journey began. More recently, he has gotten out of the army but has been doing fly in, fly out work as a helicopter pilot.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (02:01):
And so I’m imagining being in the defence force, that takes them away for longer periods. My husband, I would know, he was on a rostering system, so I would know that he was gone for 18 days, home for 10, but I imagine that’s quite different for you.
Sally Brady (Guest) (02:16):
Yeah. So we did have obviously planned times away. Some of them were up to sort of seven, eight months in time, so very long periods of time to be away. And some of them were less predictable. So really short notice go away. We did live for five years in Sydney. And also in that time he worked a lot of nights, so it was quite unpredictable when our children were really young.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (02:40):
And this working away lifestyle, was that more difficult when the children were young?
Sally Brady (Guest) (02:46):
I think there’s challenges. They change at different stages. So obviously when the children are young, it’s getting through, I guess, those routine times and dealing with behavioural and tantrums and things like that that can be challenging. For example, what we call the witching hour, getting them fed into bed and just getting everything organised for the next day can be quite challenging. Whereas now that they’re older, it’s more about they are more self-sufficient and help out. They’re really good kids, but it’s more about running them around to the multiple different commitments that they have.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (03:24):
So you’re probably hanging out until your eldest gets their driver’s licence?
Sally Brady (Guest) (03:27):
Yeah, pretty much. Not far. I’m on the countdown to that.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (03:32):
Sally, was there a way that you explained what their dad did by going away to work that helped the kids make meaning of what he was doing?
Sally Brady (Guest) (03:41):
So there were elements of my husband’s work that I did share with the children. And when they were around, the unit that he was associated with when they were young did have family days so they could go into his work and see what he did when he was based in Australia. So they did have that contact that way. But obviously when he was overseas and being deployed, there was limited information that I shared with them, just a protection mechanism around them not being worried and having that stress in their lives.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (04:13):
Perhaps if we go back to when the kids were younger, what were some of the main things you did to support them when their dad worked away?
Sally Brady (Guest) (04:21):
So I come from an early childhood background, and we talk about a theory called attachment theory. So that’s your children having a secure attachment to their parents. So I very much was focused on that attachment with myself when he was away, ensuring that they continued to feel safe and secure, that I was predictable to them in my routines and the things that I did. I did work when they were little and he was away, but I often would take a job that wasn’t high demand. I still wanted to work for my own benefit and my own wellbeing, but it wasn’t a job that I couldn’t drop and be with the kids if they needed me.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (05:06):
Yeah. And I think you’re right. It’s really important that they have that person that they feel safe and secure around that they know is always going to be there for them, and particularly important when they do have a parent that works away.
Sally Brady (Guest) (05:16):
Yeah. I had a situation where my daughter was quite young and my middle son was around five months old and their dad was working away and I had the opportunity to go see him. I left them with their grandparents who they knew obviously very well, they were in their own home, so that was predictable. But just the outcome of my daughter after I got back, it was three days, really short trip and she just would not let me go. And she was beside herself. Obviously, the grandparents reported she was absolutely fine when I was away, but she just couldn’t comprehend that I had gone away. So that was quite difficult, and that was a good learning lesson for myself in that situation.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (06:00):
Yes, yes, I can imagine. Was your husband able to stay in quite close communication with you and the children when he has been away?
Sally Brady (Guest) (06:08):
Yeah, so I guess that’s the beauty of technology these days. So obviously, when my husband was overseas, if he was on international army base, he was able to get internet access and make contact with us. But he was always very good with us around, “Oh, I’m going out on a task at the moment, so I’m going to be non-contactable for three days.” So he made that quite predictable to us. It wasn’t a shock that we couldn’t contact him in that period of time. And it wouldn’t matter what time of the day, he would just send a message to say, “Look, I’m back and I’m safe” just so I had that peace of mind for myself. But he had contact through the internet, like video calls and Skype and things like that.
(06:58):
Obviously, a little bit more challenging when they were little to keep them on camera, but we did develop some, I guess, routines around that. One of the things we did was we’d Skype during mealtime. That way the children were fixed and concentrated in an activity and can just talk like we were having a normal family mealtime, which was nice to keep that routine going. So when he was available, we would talk. Even if that was a breakfast meal, anytime of the day we would do that. And I guess the other place where you’ve got a captive audience, if it’s just a voice call is in the car.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (07:35):
You’re trapped in the car and they’re going to tell them about their day, yes
Sally Brady (Guest) (07:38):
And there’s not a lot of better things to do in a car than have a conversation, which is funny because that’s resulted with me now as a habit. I make most of my calls in the car when I’m driving.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (07:51):
And it’s great, isn’t it, to use those different strategies to keep that communication going. We did a very similar thing. Well, the kids would actually set a table for their dad and we would put the laptop at his place setting and he was able to call, and we were all sitting around together. And I found for my children who are also now, mine are a bit older than yours, mine are 18 and 19, but they’re actually very good communicators now because they’re used to having to stop and listen to what someone else is saying and respond. Have you found the same thing with yours?
Sally Brady (Guest) (08:21):
Yeah, I find that my children probably communicate really well with their dad even when he’s around. Now that they’ve all got phones and are in high school, that they’re better… They send him texts and things and do check-ins probably more than they would with me because we check in differently. Ours is more a face-to-face, but they continue to keep that routine going with him, which is, it’s their thing and that’s really nice for them to have that.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (08:48):
And what a nice positive to come out of a situation that has taken him away from the family for extended periods.
Sally Brady (Guest) (08:54):
Yeah, it is a unique relationship.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (08:57):
How do you think your husband managed spending long periods of time away from the kids and yourself?
Sally Brady (Guest) (09:03):
I guess the longer he did it, the more challenging I think it got. There was I think an element of excitement when he was first doing it. He had started a military career when our children were younger. Of course, he always missed us a great deal and it’s upsetting to leave every time, but I guess the more time that went past, the harder it got for him. And he obviously got really over that and has taken, I guess, steps now that he’s progressed in his career and his skills to have more stability.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (09:40):
And I think it’s often this around special events where it can be more problematic. Perhaps they’re missing a birthday. Or I know my husband has spent many Christmases on a mine site, so we’ve done things to try and mitigate that, sent care packages and all of those sorts of things. But did you find it was those special events too that could be problematic?
Sally Brady (Guest) (09:58):
Yeah. One of the things when we lived in Sydney, my husband was always away for the month of May, which is my birthday, Mother’s Day, my daughter’s birthday, and one of my son’s birthdays.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (10:11):
Oh, that whole gamut in May.
Sally Brady (Guest) (10:13):
Yeah. So it was always a big deal for him to be away. And if he was away for Father’s Day or his birthday, we would celebrate events at different times. Children don’t know the dates, they don’t know when these things necessarily are, so we made our own dates when he was available so he could share in that celebration and be there for them.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (10:36):
I love that. My kids say that some of their best memories is having two Christmases. We would have one when dad was home before he went to the mine site, and then we would celebrate Christmas Day as well.
Sally Brady (Guest) (10:45):
Yeah. And one of the things my husband always did, if he was away for Christmas, which fortunately for us, it’s only been a couple of Christmases and it’s been more recent, but he would be wherever he was in the world, he would make the point of waking up or being awake and we would film the children getting their presents, always had that input into what we would get them so he knew what was coming, but just to see their faces and the excitement when they got things.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (11:13):
And important to still have them involved in that way. Making the effort for them to still have that involvement, did that translate also into aspects of daily life? I’m thinking of perhaps disciplinary times or the more trickier times of life. Were there ways that he still creatively was involved in that even though he might’ve been away?
Sally Brady (Guest) (11:34):
I guess we always do that, and I still do it now, like, “I will be talking to your dad about this behaviour,” things like that. And we would often have a text or a conversation. I’d explain, “Oh, this is going on for this particular child.” And it’s not always a behavioural thing. It might be something emotional for the child. It might be a celebration for them. So I’d always text him and go, “Oh, this is what’s going on with them,” or “They’ve made a new friend” or, “something’s happening” so that he could be informed and ask questions and be involved in that element of parenting.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (12:10):
Oh, isn’t that lovely? I still remember my son trying to build a particular Lego set and I just couldn’t work out with the instructions what was going on, and so we set it all up. This is when we did Skype. We still did Skype many years ago. And I set it all up in front of the Skype, and Joe was actually able to help him build it online. So it is amazing how creative you get when you’re in this sort of family where one parent does work away.
Sally Brady (Guest) (12:34):
Yeah, there are unique circumstances associated. And they’re special things that should be celebrated.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (12:41):
I agree completely. I know for me, it was really important that I took good care of myself so that I could manage the ups and downs of our normal family life. Did you find this was important for you as well?
Sally Brady (Guest) (12:53):
Yeah, I think it’s always important as a parent, full stop. But even more so, when you’re on your own and you have that ongoing responsibility, I guess the bonus is that you’ve got that partner alongside you mentally all the time. It’s just the physical side of things. So I guess one of my things is that my children had a strict bed routine because I wanted to sit down, chill out with a glass of wine and maybe watch some trashy TV or something like that because I needed that time to myself. Like I said, my choice in employment was a lower level, probably employment than what I could have gained. I was still able to work, but I was able to drop everything and always made it clear in my workplace that this was my life situation and this is what is important to me, so I had the support of my workplace as well.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (13:51):
That’s a great message to just have something for you that might change over time, but just to have something that’s for you. I’ve had many people over the years tell me that they could never quite understand why or how we did fly in, fly out. I think there are some real positives that come from one parent working away. Would you say the similar thing?
Sally Brady (Guest) (14:11):
Oh, the amount of unique experiences we’ve had as a result of my husband’s work and the lifestyle that followed. My husband had a period of time where he worked in Germany and we as a family got to travel over and spend over a month travelling around Europe. Probably not an opportunity that would’ve happened had he not been working there, but we would take advantage if he was in a place where we could travel to. We would always follow him and have those opportunities. So our children are very well-travelled. I guess the other element for us is moving around, that they’re very sociable and make friends easily. And I guess one of the special unique things in our family is that we are very close. My children are a very close-knit group. They are very close in age as well, but they really support each other. They will help each other learn how to catch a bus to school, things like that. They have a crossover in friendships, and yeah, so they have a really nice relationship.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (15:15):
I would second that. Our family has very similar experiences to that. We also have had the opportunity to move and relocate for my husband’s work and have had incredible experiences. And mine are also close in age. And they also very, very… We’re a tight-knit family. And the same, I love seeing them problem solve together because I think they’ve learned that they don’t always have to rely on us. They can problem solve together and make a plan forward.
(15:42):
How important has been having a good support network for you during this time?
Sally Brady (Guest) (15:47):
Obviously, that’s a huge… It’s a psychological support as well as that hands-on support. I had an interesting mix of friends in all the locations where I’ve lived. I’ve always had some friends that have been in a similar situation to myself, husbands in the defence force. And they would travel a lot also. They really understood my situation. We knew when we needed each other that we could help out.
(16:15):
A random little thing that a friend did for me one evening was my sister came to stay and needed picking up from the train station at 10 o’clock at night. And rather than getting my kids all out of bed, my friend’s like, “My husband’s home, I’ll go get her for you and drop her off.”
Alicia Ranford (Host) (16:31):
Isn’t that lovely?
Sally Brady (Guest) (16:31):
So instead of dragging three small children out of bed, she knew my situation at the time and she’s like, “I’ll do it for you.” But I also, for myself, and I guess my wellbeing, needed friends that didn’t always bring that up for me and it wasn’t that focus around our husbands. So in the locations where I lived, I always had local friends that they understood my situation, but that’s not why we connected.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (17:02):
And perhaps it wasn’t their situation as well. They didn’t have a partner who worked away.
Sally Brady (Guest) (17:05):
No. And some of them in particular, our family in Perth, their whole family sort of rallied around us. And I guess the male in that family was supported my boys. He would take them skateboarding along with their son and have those experiences. So they were still having that male contact when he was away, which was really nice.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (17:28):
It’s a great example of it takes a village to raise a child.
Sally Brady (Guest) (17:32):
Yeah, definitely.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (17:33):
What advice would you have for listeners today who might be finding it difficult having one parent work away? What would be your piece of advice for them?
Sally Brady (Guest) (17:41):
I have lots of advice and I don’t really know where to start. I guess what helped me was some really practical things around being quite organised. I would always cook a meal that would last for two days. Cooking isn’t my favourite thing. They’re busy times of night, so we always ate the same meal two nights in a row. So the second night I knew that I wasn’t cooking, and I would plan that around if, as my children got older, if it was a sports night or something. So I’m just not creating extra stress, like I can just heat up the dinner in the microwave, that type of thing.
(18:17):
I have taught my kids to be very independent, so they pack their own lunches. Obviously, I help make things for them and set out a selection for them in what I buy, but they just choose the things from the cupboard and put it in their lunchbox. And they know it’s like the two pieces of fruit. It’s like a snack. It’s like your main lunch and something dairy. So they know which bits they need to choose from and how many. And we’ve developed that habit over a long, long time that now they will come home from school, they will sort of put their bags down and one of the first things they do is pack their lunch for the next day.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (18:56):
Isn’t that fantastic?
Sally Brady (Guest) (18:57):
Yeah. So it’s a habit that still goes on whether my husband’s away or not. It’s not something that I really have to think about anymore. They do it for me.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (19:07):
That’s fantastic. I think for me too, it was letting go of some little things. If my house wasn’t spotless, if I hadn’t put all the toys away, if we just had a really ratty day where the kids weren’t coping or it was really hot or something, we would let the little thing slide. I think that would probably be one of my things too.
Sally Brady (Guest) (19:25):
Yeah, it’s round picking your battles. I can remember one of the first times that my husband went away when we had kids and he made a comment, something happened on Skype and he made a comment, “Oh, you let them do that?” And I’m like, “I can’t be telling them all day every day as the only parent here. So I pick which things I deal with and which things I let slide.”
Alicia Ranford (Host) (19:48):
And I think that’s probably great advice for any parent listening, not just those that have got their partner working away.
Sally Brady (Guest) (19:54):
Yeah, definitely.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (19:55):
Looking back, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
Sally Brady (Guest) (19:58):
The only thing I think we would’ve done differently is probably had more of an open conversation amongst myself and my husband. Obviously, there were some challenges presented earlier on in our relationship and with the children changing, that dynamic that it was difficult for him to come in and out. Obviously, that represents a change in routine, associated excitement that dad’s back. So working together to have those conversations about how that impacted each of us to develop those strategies to make that in and out easier. I think if we had that conversation earlier, but you don’t know to do that earlier, that would’ve made life a bit easier.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (20:46):
Hindsight’s a wonderful thing.
Sally Brady (Guest) (20:47):
Yeah.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (20:48):
Sally, thank you so much for joining us today. It’s been really wonderful hearing how you’ve navigated the ups and downs of having a partner who works away. And I’ve loved hearing your messages about communication, which have been a theme through our conversation. It sounds like you’ve done a really fantastic job of it. And your family’s better off for this experience.
Sally Brady (Guest) (21:09):
Yeah, it’s something that I’m very passionate about and it can be a very successful way of life. It is our way of life and we’re quite proud of it, but we are a team. It’s not me on my own. It’s my husband and I working together throughout this experience.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (21:29):
I couldn’t agree more. Thanks, Sally, for joining us today.
Sally Brady (Guest) (21:32):
Thank you.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (21:34):
And thank you to our listeners for joining us. If you would like to keep up to date with our latest conversations, we’d love it if you’d like and subscribe to our Emerging Minds Families podcast channel. You can also find us on Instagram at @emergingmindsau or on Facebook at Emerging Minds Families.
Narrator (21:52):
Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au/families for a wide range of free information and resources to help support child and family mental health. Emerging Minds leads the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. The Centre is funded by the Australian Government Department of Health under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health Program.