Transcript for
Young people and adversity: The Looking Back project – part two
Narrator (00:02): Welcome to the Emerging Minds podcast.
Melinda Hetzel (00:08): Looking back 2020 was a process resulting in a series of short videos three to five minutes long co-created with six young people aged 20 to 27. These young people, Casey, Denna, Jane, Jody, Loz, and Tallulah were invited to look back on a moment or part of their childhood and tell a powerful and empowering story about it. The videos were creatively conceived by each young person and collaboratively realised with the help of artistic mentors and video makers. Largely taking place online during Melbourne lockdowns during 2020, the process was co-facilitated by artists Sylv Meltzer and Melinda Hetzel for Artist Made Productions and Emerging Minds.
Sylv Meltzer (00:47): The looking back videos are designed to be a resource to be shown to children who may be experiencing struggles or worries in their lives by health practitioners who work with families and children. It’s our vision that these stories will give ideas, inspiration, and hope to these young people. In this podcast, you will hear four of the six young people in conversation about the process of developing the looking back videos beginning with an introduction from Loz, one of our participants.
Loz (01:20): Eating food was like drowning, eating food was like eating rocks. Those rocks weighed me down and they took up space inside of me. Looking back was a chance to tell a story about our unique childhoods. The project asked us to remember the things that made us strong, that gave us hope, that helped us cope in amongst the real life events and worries of our childhoods. It was about focusing on what we thought and did at that moment to be resilient and what else may have helped us to do that? It was about using our older young adult lens to see part of our childhood and tell a story about it for a child audience.
Loz (01:56): My name is Loz, and I am 23 years old. My looking back story is about my experience when I was around 11 years old. To explore my story, I experimented with a few different mediums. I use some stop-start animation and collage animation to tell my story as well as some dialogue that kind of flowed from different parts of my childhood about how I coped with my eating disorder. This is always the hard part for me, looking back, allowed me to kind of come to terms with things that happened to me when I was a child. And it helped me heal and understand a little bit better about why I am the way I am now and the way that I can help other young people as well who went through the same issues as I did.
Tallulah (02:48): My name is Tallulah. I am 21 years old. And my looking back story focused around a period of time when I was about seven. To explore my story, I predominantly created a narration through text that was spoken, but layered this with some dance that I choreographed with a mentor that really explored intense emotions that were central to the theme of my film. And I drew up from old home videos of myself dancing at that age in that process of choreographing. I was really interested in sharing with a young audience ways to articulate really strong emotion to adults in particular who may read experiences that are similar to what I had of struggling to manage mood and emotion as acting out or being naughty. And for me, looking back as a project really allowed me to reflect on that period of time for the first time really of my youth and realise that I was no longer a child or even a teenager, and what I could learn from that age and that version of myself as an adult.
Casey (04:04): My name is Casey. I am 27 years old. My looking back story is about my experiences around 17 years old and it is about coming out as gay. To explore my story, I experimented with a couple of different mediums. I got a film crew to come in and to film me another actors. We had outfits projections of old TV shows. It was a lot of fun. And I chose it because I was really isolated as a kid and I used to watch and enough heap of TV so that really made me feel safe and happy.
Casey (04:50): I was interested in sharing with a young audience, how being a bit different, whether you are gay or you are a lesbian or transgender, that is okay. There is no need to be ashamed of who you are and I was hoping to also show people that you are who you are, and hopefully your family will accept you. And for me, looking back allowed me to take you back and how there were signs that I was gay, but I really wasn’t sure how it all came to be. But looking back now, I’m really, really glad that I was able to be a part of this program.
Denna (05:31): My name is Denna. I am 24 years old. And my looking back stories about my experiences I think it was around six or seven when I was in prep and grade one. And to explore my story, I experimented with different types of mediums including spoken word, which is quite familiar to me because I’m a spoken word poet. And I really find that I connect really well with words and it comes quite naturally to me, but I also delved out of my comfort zone and into exploring those words and feelings in my body and trying to embody what I was wanting to say.
Denna (06:07): I feel like I liked that medium because it allowed me to explore words and feelings and thoughts that I have in a way that I never really knew was possible. And I was interested in sharing with the young audience about how silence doesn’t have to be a negative thing, even if it’s kind of deemed that way by society and that if you have the courage to just like take some time to even I don’t even go out there and like pain or just kind of sit with yourself and think about who you want to be regardless of all the sort of labels that were put out there and actually learn who you are standing there on your own and how important that can be. I feel like that’s something that has taken me 23 years to discover.
Casey (06:48): All right, Denna. How did you come to the story or message that your video focused on and what other stories did you almost choose and what made this one the most important to you?
Denna (07:05): When I first started the project, I had this really strong image of my grandma’s house in my mind, it was a huge part of my childhood. And I feel like it’s something that I feel very connected to and probably always will feel connected to. I was thinking of those experiences back up at home like for Christmas and Easter with my grandma and my cousins. And I was kind of thinking about writing about that and just sort of the innocence and the fun and the playfulness of that and just the way that you view certain experiences when you’re a kid compared to when you are an adult looking back on them.
Denna (07:40): But then I was remembering myself at school, especially early primary school and how I really just felt like I didn’t fit in. I felt like I was talking to all these other kids in my class, but talking to them in a way that they thought that they wanted to hear me and not always saying exactly what I wanted to say. But I just didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say as well. And I feel like I chose this one and it was the most important to me because I can imagine that there’d be other young kids out there that have all these thoughts and feelings that they hold inside and don’t really know how to voice that and they might feel a bit uncomfortable or awkward with that and think that it’s not okay. But I just want my story to kind of be a reminder that like it is okay and they will find their way on their own journey, in their own way as well and that there’s hope for that even if they feel alone, it’s not going to be forever.
Casey (08:35): Thank you, Denna, for that.
Denna (08:35): All good, Casey. I’ll actually ask your question now. So initially we knew that our stories would be shared with children who might share similar experiences to us. When you were writing were you challenged by knowing that you were writing for a young audience and how integral was connecting to your younger self in that writing process?
Casey (08:54): I think at first I did find it a bit of a challenge because it’s hard to explain to a young child or to younger children about being homosexual when it’s still considered a bit of a taboo subject. But then I sort of said, well, instead of saying, I am gay or say I’m a bit different. And I felt that could have easily sort of made out to kids that it is okay to be a bit different to other people and you were still come out of it okay.
Denna (09:31): I’m going to ask you the same question now Tallulah, were you challenged by writing for a younger audience? And throughout the writing process, how integral was connecting to that younger self?
Tallulah (09:44): It’s interesting you asked that because I have this really visceral memory from probably being at a similar age to what I made the film of going. I reckon that I could articulate the childhood experience so well and no one’s asked me, I’m just waiting around for someone to ask me to write the great novel on childhood experience it was never coming. So I really felt I had to tap in and return to that mindset as an adult and kind of worried that I’d lost it. And we did this really incredible workshop at the start of the looking back experience where we all kind of did a meditative reflection around writing and drawing and memory on the chosen age we each had and reflecting on that.
Tallulah (10:32): And it was really key to mean you were into being able to tap into what that mindset was at that age? What was important? What were the worries and find the language needed to speak to young people, because I feel like we convolute everything as an adult and over intellectualise and be able to get to the core, the essence of what it matters and the emotion of it all. It was really key in that process.
Loz (11:01): I’m going to ask a question to the whole group, did creating a video from such sensitive material lead to mental health challenges or emotional turbulence? And how did you manage to get through the creative process? I will kick it off with, Denna.
Denna (11:17): Well, thank you, Loz. If I had to answer it in one word, it would definitely be yes. I feel like when I was reflecting while creating this video, I was reflecting on a lot of my childhood experiences and while some of them were positive, there were others that came up that I’d actually repressed that were a bit more challenging to think about, let alone create about and that was quite a process to work through. And I felt like I was back there as a six and seven-year old, I feel like I was really grateful for that. And I’m really grateful for this process in the sense that it’s actually allowed those moments to come up and for my inner child to actually be seen and to be heard.
Denna (11:57): Because I feel like a lot of my process for this project was actually acknowledging her and I feel like having those thoughts and feelings and memories come up actually helped me through this creative process because I was like, okay, I’m seeing you, I’m hearing you. And I’m actually going to create few, let’s create together. And I’m just imagining me and her kind of just sitting there thinking, okay, how do we want this to look? And it’s just such, it’s I’m just like have relief, it’s just okay, I’ve got her back and she’s got mine and we’ll just keep conquering the world together.
Loz (12:28): I absolutely love that and I think I had such a similar experience. It’s really a catharsis, isn’t it? That we all went through because we were talking about what we wanted to create and we were talking about the topics we wanted to touch on, but it wasn’t until we’d had some form of a story in front of us. I feel like we’ve all kind of gone back and come to terms with some things and it’s been almost therapeutic process. I am going to get Tallulah to come in on this as well now.
Tallulah (13:00): I share very similar experiences who have you upturning memories that hadn’t been asked for so long. And I wonder how long it would’ve taken to interrogate that period of my life without this project. It’s interesting that it span such a long period of time over a year working on this project that it meant that process of reflection. And sitting with those memories was very slow and probably positively because it let us grow comfort with that in our own time. And similar to what Denna spoke to, I feel though it was quite difficult, I can’t understand how difficult that process of reflection is to just sit with yourself. I feel I’ve gained the presence of my younger self with me that I carry around now, and I’m so grateful for that. And I learned so much perceiving my life now through her eyes.
Loz (13:59): Beautiful. Thanks, Tallulah. It’s really made us all kind of look back on our childhoods in a really different way. Just speaking to everyone now, especially with this question thinking back to the beginning of the process, there’s just been so much growth and more of understanding and more of a empathy for our younger versions of ourselves. What about you, Casey?
Casey (14:21): Well, it did actually, but I think obviously mine’s a bit different. I think at first I was really getting frustrated because of the lock downs and I was actually considering chopping out was I thought, well, if it continues to go on, am I going to lose interest in it? Do I want to go ahead with it? Fortunately, my mentor he told to hang in there, so I did. But a couple years before I started to do this, my mum died and I was going over and over again, thinking would she be happy that I’m getting in front of a camera?
Casey (15:02): And I wasn’t saying everything about our family per se, but we did have a few ups and downs like every single family does. But then thought she’ll be happy with me for getting my confidence up for doing something like this and for also helping out others that have also gone through this as well. And I think what really got me to continue was that I really felt just around me that day, particularly when I was doing the filming and I really could feel her presence around me. I know not everyone believes in that, but I really felt she was there and that really helped me to convince myself that I was doing the right thing and she would be really, really proud of me.
Tallulah (15:50): I’d love to ask a follow up question to that, Casey, the fact that it was such personal and sensitive material for you, how was the collaborative process of working in quite a big team with this special story for you? Was there ways now that we’re at the end of the whole process on looking back would you have done it differently? How did you feel about the level of control you had over your story?
Casey (16:17): That’s a pretty good question. Well, my friend was a mentor to me, so he and his partner who’s also in the video I had her support. So I was really, really happy to be working with people that have a friendship with. When it comes to the control, there was a couple times where we had to change the script a bit and I felt a bit taken aback. Because I first I thought, well, this isn’t exactly what I was going to say, but then I thought, well, it is aimed that a younger audience. So then I thought, no, I think I can handle a few changes here and there. And apart from that, I really felt I was in control about where the actors would be? What the actors would say? How their emotions would be? And looking back now, I definitely would not change one’s second of it, not at all.
Tallulah (17:14): That’s so lovely to hear, I feel similar.
Denna (17:18): Loz, I’m going to ask you a question now at the beginning of the project, did you have an intention in mind or was the intention something that developed as you continued through the process?
Loz (17:29): So at the beginning, I think when I was first talking about my project, there were a lot of different things my brain went to and I found it really hard to kind of settle on the one thing. In regards to the actual theme of the piece, I know that I did want to talk about my eating disorder that I had when I was younger, but I realised after our first sessions that I’d never really said it out loud before. That was something that I’d had for so long and I’d never talked to anyone about it before, it was kind of this little secret shame that I had from my childhood. But I knew that it’s important and especially right now with a lot of the isolation that’s going on around the world as well to have these things brought to light.
Loz (18:16): I think that intention stayed the same, but the creative intention that kind of changed and it grew when I adapted as the project went on. So originally I had a completely different vision in my mind, I wanted it to be like a story book. So I think I was more inspired by the things that happened around us when it was happening and that really influenced what the story actually visually looked like. So that brought in the different elements from the magazines that I was reading at the time as well that really influenced the style heavily. So I think content stayed the same, but the actual visual component of the project completely changed based on our conversations and also my conversations with my mentor and the things I was going through in lockdown. I was really able to channel that depressed lockdown mindset into something creative and beautiful.
Denna (19:10): Oh, that’s so lovely. And I just want to say I’m really glad you felt safe enough in the process to unpack that secret childhood story that you had.
Loz (19:17): Thanks, Denna. And I just want to give a shout out to Mel and Sylv as well for creating such a beautiful environment. I think that we’ve all gotten quite close in this process as well. And I had the same feelings as Casey was talking about before. It hit lockdown and then I was having a bit of a mental freak out going, oh, my goodness, this really personal project I’m going to have to stare at for months. But I’m glad that I stuck with it too.
Casey (19:46): Tallulah, what was it like being on the film set, being in charge of the visual creation and what did you learn from those days?
Tallulah (19:59): So it was a crazy experience, it was so thrilling to be on a film set. I felt like I had so much power, I felt like I was living a celebrity’s life. Because it felt so professional, expensive cameras and stuff. But throughout the whole process and probably culminating in the actual shoot days is like this incredible sense of having control over the narrative I was presenting in every aspect, every element of the visual and the words and how the days were going to happen in terms of shooting. And I don’t think I’d ever had someone give that much confidence in my ability to story tell and my ability to I suppose micromanage an entire project. And as a young storyteller and also just like as a young person from a rural background where the creative arts is quite marginal, it is just such a valuable experience and has given me so much confidence in all aspects of my life.
Loz (21:05): Casey, I really just want to pull out the comment that you kind of made in passing before just about the project and COVID and how long we spent on this one project. So what was your experience like focusing on this for such a long period of time?
Casey (21:21): Well, so there was certainly times as I probably have said earlier that I really felt throwing in the towel and I thought, well, what’s the point of all this when it’s just going to get getting delayed and delayed. But as time was going on, I think I said this before my friend Henry convinced me to hang in there when things within me is tough and still said as soon as the lockdown is eased, we’re going to jump right into it and indeed we did and I’m really, really happy that happened.
Loz (21:54): And how lucky we had a break in between lockdowns. I was so shocked that we managed to squeeze it in.
Casey (22:04): I think we did ours in January earlier this year and then there was a third lockdown in February and I thought, thank God we just got that in.
Denna (22:12): I’d just like question now, Loz. If you could tell your inner child one thing about this experience, what would that be and why
Loz (22:23): It really is hang in there, it gets better. Just creating the whole project, I thought about all the things I was going through when I was 11 and there’s this beautiful parallel where my younger sibling is 11 years old right now. So it really just made me sit back and look at her and think, oh, my goodness if I was having all of these thoughts at 11 what would be going through her brain right now? So it’s definitely just things do get better, one day you’re going to move out of home, you’re going to find yourself and it’s going to be a struggle, there’s going to be a few years there where you’re just completely lost and you don’t know what’s going on. But at some point life makes sense and also go to therapy, that’s going to really improve your brain.
Loz (23:11): I just hope that there’s one young person out there who’s just really needing some guidance. I just want at least one person who needs to see this, to see it, because I feel like these films could really change a child’s perspective. I don’t know, that’s all I want. I just want at least one kid who really, really needs this film. One person who’s maybe coming to terms with their identity sees Casey’s and boom, life changed.
Tallulah (23:44): Definitely. What about you, Denna? What do you hope?
Denna (23:46): I think echoing was a little bit, even just having a child that might even be feeling just really lost and can’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, kind of have a moment after watching one of our videos and it’s like a little light bulb moment, like, oh, my gosh, I’ll be okay or even I actually want to be here. I can feel something if they’re feeling numb, they actually feel something. And have that be-the moment that they can look back on themselves and be like this is the moment where I felt like I was starting to learn how to be me again. And I was starting to learn what I wanted and who I want to be.
Tallulah (24:23): Gorgeous words. What about you, Casey? What do you hope for?
Casey (24:27): Particularly during the lockdown, everyone is feeling really, really isolated and there could be a whole heap of hung gay people that have come out. And, of course, of everything being shut down, they don’t have any place to go to feel safe, to get advice or anything like that. So what I’m hoping is even after all of lockdowns over, I would like them to see this and say that there is no shame being gay, there is always help and support out there for you. And even on the very slim chance that their family isn’t supportive, there’s always others out there as part of a rainbow family. So I’m hoping at this video cameras utilised, even if it’s just a one single person that gets some kind of satisfaction and gratitude added this project, I’ll be a really, really happy man.
Tallulah (25:22): I similarly hope for a sense of solidarity for young people to experience, I specifically in mine is the ability to articulate really strong emotion in a way that doesn’t make a kid feel like they’re being naughty. I think took that on a lot. When I was younger, that I was being naughty because of the experience of emotion I was having that the idea that kids out there could see my story and go, oh, I’m not a naughty kid, I’m just special and different. That’s what I hope for.
Denna (25:54): And to finish off our podcast today, I’d like to ask you all to describe your experience with the project in one word, and I’ll get Casey to kick us off.
Casey (26:04): If I had to pick one single word that would have to be unforgettable. Because there was such a grateful experience that I will never, never forget, just people working so closely together on something that mean so much to me personally, and they are all there to support me and it was just so fantastic.
Denna (26:32): Thank you, Casey. I will pass on to Tallulah. What would your one word be?
Tallulah (26:39): I don’t know if you would find this word in a dictionary, but my word of choice is ziggy, ziggy, zigga, which when I was creating the dance in my film, I was listening to a lot of the Baz Luhrmann’s film Strictly Ballroom the soundtrack from that, and a specific song goes ziggy, ziggy, zigga. So that was playing a lot literally when I was making the film. But also I feel like it represents the joy of us all coming together, it’s quite a joyful expression. And also the language of zigzag, I feel like we did a fair bit of zigging and zagging. So yeah, ziggy, ziggy, zigga.
Denna (27:15): I love that, that should be in the dictionary if it isn’t already. And Lauren, what would your word be to describe the experience?
Loz (27:21): My overthinking brain is operating way too quickly right now and it keeps flinging new words at me and I’m not prepared for any of them. But I’m going to say lightness, probably. I think this space has really allowed a lot of us to look back, excuse the pun on a lot of the choices and a lot of the experiences that we had when we were children. So it’s really reminded me personally to always hold yourself with lightness.
Denna (27:53): I love that so much, I think I can relate to that as well. And I feel like my word would kind of maybe go lightness, which my word is courage. I feel it takes courage to experience and embrace that lightness. And I just felt like this whole process was a massive courageous period for me, especially, I initially felt very locked into myself at the start of it. And I feel like all of you really helped to kind of I guess begin with me kind of shedding that and gaining that courage in myself and I guess just discovering that creative part of me again. So thank you.
Melinda Hetzel (28:30): Thanks very much to Tallulah, Casey, Loz, and Denna, and also a huge thanks to Jane and Jody, who can’t be with us today, and to Liz and Ian at Artist Made Productions who have made all the magic happen.
Sylv Meltzer (28:44): And thank you to our incredible artist, mentors, Cindy, Justine, Kell, Dee and Henry. And a special thanks to Hannah for bringing many of these films to life.
Melinda Hetzel (28:58): And also Lydia, Josh, and Jen at Emerging Minds for helping make this podcast happen.
Denna (29:06): So I keep these words inside even when all I really want is to be heard.
Narrator (29:14): Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au to access a range of resources to assist your practise. Brought to you by the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health led by Emerging Minds. National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health is funded by the Australian government department of health under the national support for child and youth mental health program.