This tip sheet is part of a series Emerging Minds created with families who’ve been through tough times to spark hope and new ideas for finding and sustaining threads of connection.
Download a printable version of How to build connection with our families
What helped other families with creating and sustaining connection
We asked those who helped us create these resources what allowed them to build and maintain the connections in their families.
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‘We sit down and talk over a meal. Sometimes we call a family meeting, talk about the situation. Try and be supportive. It can be hard sometimes, there’s misunderstandings. Active listening is an important part of that. Allowing them to be able to speak and feel comfortable and safe, try and say, okay, well let’s figure this out. It might be irritating, it might be frustrating, but at the end of the day, this is our little unit and we’ve gotta support each other. When it’s hard, I think back to my childhood and how I wasn’t listened to – it immediately flicks a switch. Knowing I can be supportive and break that intergenerational cycle, that’s what gives me the strength and the courage to just meet things head on.’
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‘If someone is doing something wrong, I might be angry, I’ll be upset and I might have a reaction. But if I have the knowledge that, okay, that family member might have something else going on, might have had a bad day… that makes a big difference. That makes the connection easier in a difficult time. And it’s important to listen, with an open mind, without judgement. Especially when our family share with us about difficult or taboo things. You can listen with your ears and still not hear. You’ve gotta listen with your body. Show that you’re listening. You don’t always have to make a comment on it.’
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‘When things are really tough, like when we’ve been in a refuge or the situation is really bad, that’s when I’ve been the frankest and most authentic. I’ve just laid it out. Being aware of their age and so on, but respecting that the kids have the ability to be a part of that. We’re in it together, and they have the ability to work through it.’
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‘Be accepting of the situation and the effects it has, and have empathy for yourself and your family. Knowing when hard stuff is going on, there’s gonna be blow-ups. I might lose my temper or the kids might lose their temper, and that’s just how it is because we’re all struggling. I remember one time in particular, I just really lost it badly with one of my kids. Afterwards I apologised. Never once has my son said anything except for ‘Mum. It’s okay. You know, we were going through a hard time.’ It is what is. Life is crap sometimes and you’ve just gotta roll with it. And if you act badly, make amends.’
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‘At least once a week we’d go somewhere in nature and just hang out. It was unorganised, it was open, it was free, we didn’t have distractions. The kids could kind of go and do what they wanted or have time with each other, or they could come and talk to me if they wanted. It’s almost like a mini holiday, you go and whatever’s going on, it’s still gonna be there when you get back, but in that moment that’s just where you are. It could be even as simple as going to your local green space, park or playground, taking a mini picnic. One of my kids when he was younger, every morning we used to go out with binoculars and birdwatch. I think that’s been very much a glue that’s helped our family. They didn’t always wanna go. But it was always great.’
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‘When my kids were really little, we would read books to them every night before bed. We had that routine set up. And then my mum got really sick and died and I just lost it. That was not a good time and I felt like a not good enough parent. But, the book reading every night was something that we kept doing and I think that that was really important for the kids, for their connection and their safety. And I’m really grateful that we’d started it when things were easy. It carried us through the hard time.’
‘When it’s movie night I go on the couch, and I feel connected to Mum because I cuddle up to her. It makes me feel warm.’
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‘When they were little kids, financially we had no money, and my wife was quite sick and away a lot. So we tried to do stuff as a family and show an interest in what the kids enjoyed. We got the kids playing backyard cricket and we’d do picnics together. Family dinners together, try to have a bit of fun. Just so we’d have that unity. Sometimes making someone else feel better makes you feel better.’
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‘Everyone’s got different interests and different beliefs, no one’s perfect and we all have our disagreements. So it’s important to find the common ground where everyone sort of meets up. My daughter, she gets very flustered if she can’t see her doctor straight away. We say ‘look, we can’t get in to see the doctor straight away. What can we do in the meantime to support you?’ We work together to try to reduce the worries she might have. We can’t always fix everything straight away. That’s not how life is, but we can do things to make it more comfortable.’
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‘It’s a challenge to reconnect. It can be hard and painful. It can also be rewarding and healing and happy. The big part is sometimes you need help from others to reconnect with your children. It’s not always something that can be done alone. Pulling in your supports that you look up to with their way of thinking. I went to someone who I like their morals and values. She doesn’t do it for me, but helps guide me.
‘If I think of ways of reconnecting: my communication style is always changing. I’ve changed from parenting by telling her what to do, to hearing what she is saying and not shaming her by telling her what she should and shouldn’t do. Also being able to share my knowledge from what I have learned from my own experiences and my own ingrained behaviours, good or bad, and helping her navigate similar experiences by sharing these types of things with her.
‘Another big thing is living my life in a way that I want to set an example for my children. I am leading by example and that leads to connection and my kids being proud. It’s unspoken communication. Not everything has to be spoken.’
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‘My kids enjoy hearing my memories of when they were younger. The day they were born, words they said when learning to talk, even stories of when they were hurt and I helped them. They connect quickly and easily with these stories.
‘When talking about people who have passed, I like to tell my kids positive stories about their lives and give them an idea of what that person meant to me growing up. Or funny stories, anecdotes. Little interesting things about them, and similarities. Like ‘Oh you sound just like auntie Sophie’ or, ‘you know, grandma used to do that’ or, ‘grandma would’ve loved that and thought that was hilarious.’ Finding those connections between who the kids are now and the people that are out of their lives.’
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‘It can be confronting and very lonely at times to have a child not in your care. Thoughts like ‘my child isn’t with me’ and ‘my child doesn’t love me’… but when I write him a letter or see him in person, that stuff goes away. A child’s love for a parent never actually goes away. Even if it’s me writing a letter and I don’t get a response, that’s OK.
‘This idea of writing a letter, not everything has to be face-to-face. Sometimes a child knowing a parent though other interactions is what is needed. Just that feeling of putting it out there, for him to know I am thinking of him. Then there are days when I purposely don’t think about him, for my own mental health.’
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‘I look at the stories listed above and that’s all well and good, but that’s not me, that’s not the skills I have, and I don’t feel shame or guilt for that.
‘What I do is I look at what my skills are: I will cook for my children, they always know when I’m feeding them that I love them. That’s a way I show my love. And connecting through social media and having a conversation and sharing photos with my kids, that’s when we all get talking.
‘And the other night my teens and I Facetimed (chatted on video) over something really silly. It was a really fun connection, late at night and I fell asleep with my girls chatting to each other. That’s the kind of family we are.’
We think these ideas can help with connection in our families. What do you think?
Take a moment to think about:
- Which of these stories stand out to you and why?
- Do any of these stories give you ideas for your family? Which ones do you think are most important?
- What steps might you want to take next? Is there anyone or anything that could support you in taking those next steps?
‘Connection is being together. Tell jokes to them, eating dinner together, spend time with them, play soccer.’
Songs for connection
Dive deeper into Emerging Minds Families podcasts
- How we re-established connectedness is a conversation with a parent and their son about how they worked towards reconnecting after a period of disruption.
- Growing up with a parent who experiences mental health difficulties shares a young person’s perspectives on the steps her family took to heal family relationships when her dad was experiencing distress.
- Staying connected to your kids while experiencing mental health difficulties goes into detail about the actions a family took to maintain a dad’s connection with his children while he experienced distress.
- Sustaining connection in the face of separation by child protection shares how a mum navigated ways to sustain connection with her son who no longer lives with her.
More help with family connection
- Raising Children has information for parents on building positive relationships with children as well as connecting with children of different ages.
- Aha Parenting has resources about fostering connection between parents and children. It offers practical tips and strategies for improving communication, building trust, and deepening emotional bonds within families.
- The Family Dinner Project offers resources and tips to help families connect and communicate during mealtimes. They provide recipes, conversation starters, and activities to help families build stronger relationships around the dinner table.
- Rainbow Families has resources for LGBTQIA+ families and their children
- Emerging Minds’ fact sheet Staying connected to your children when living with mental illness was developed as a guide for parents living with mental illness who have to spend some time away from their children (such as being in hospital) as part of their treatment and recovery.
Emerging Minds connectedness resources
Have a look at the following options and choose what feels right for you and your family.
(Cards will be added below once module becomes available)
For practitioners
Are you a practitioner wanting to give this resource to a person or family? Check out our practitioner guide.