This tip sheet is part of a series Emerging Minds created with families who’ve been through tough times to spark hope and new ideas for finding and sustaining threads of connection.
Download a printable version of What is connection and why is it important?
What is connection?
‘Connection’ is different for everyone.
For both adults and kids, it can mean…
- a feeling of safety
- knowing that you’re being heard, that somebody wants to spend time with you
- a shared sense of trust
- feeling comfortable
- having a link to someone or something.
‘Connection is something you’ve formed a strong bond with. Something you love. Something you like.’
It can help to think about connection as relationships. A relationship with someone or something – a person, a place, a culture – to all sorts of things. A drive that has us seeking out some sense of belonging, community, love, acknowledgement – both giving and receiving.
What does connection feel like?
We think connection can feel like…
- a safety net
- a security blanket; or
- a dinner table where you know there’s always going to be a seat just for you, and you’re always welcome to sit down, if you want to.
What does connection feel like to you?
Some kinds of relationships can make it possible for us to just be ourselves, not a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. A space where vulnerability can happen, where we can properly show ourselves without feeling judged. And making that possible for others through our openness and their openness. Something comes together and before we know it, there’s all these intertwining connections happening. We might not be able to see or explain the connection, but feel it and know it’s there.
Connection can mean being able to confide in one special person who cares and can listen to our innermost thoughts, our deepest worries. And that they also feel safe to share back with us.
Or it can mean finding a group of people where you have a common purpose, something that’s bigger – bigger than yourself – and everyone else. Sharing a common purpose allows all our unique traits to find a home.
‘I want to feel safe.’
Why does connection matter so much?
Jason, Lutruwita Country
Connection matters because it can help us with:
Distress and loneliness
Connection to family, friends and community can reduce distress and loneliness. It can make a huge difference to the wellbeing of kids and families.
Safety
Connection can help us feel safer and actually make us be safer, because we know who we can go to in times of crisis and that others are looking out for us.
Learning
Connection can be a source of learning in important or difficult times. A safe space for not having the answers, asking questions, exploring.
Empathy
Feeling connected can make it easier to feel empathy. You may not have been through the same exact experience as someone else, but you can empathise with them and learn from each other.
Strength
Connection makes us strong by giving us reasons to:
- stay alive
- wake up; and
- bounce back against the odds.
It gives us a sense of purpose and of being valued for the contributions we make to the lives of other people as well. Hope, strength and the power to fight for what we care about.
Wellbeing
When we feel connected as a family, there can be a lightness, a calmness, a sense of ease or security. Connection makes it possible to laugh together. It’s easy to be angry by yourself, but to do the opposite – to find ways to love and to be empathetic and to laugh – you need other people to do it with. Relationships run both ways.
‘I am a very social person so without social connections I feel alone and almost lost.’
Times when connection mattered to us
The families who helped create these resources talk about some of the times when family connection was important.
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‘Growing up we didn’t have a connection like what I feel with my family. I think that’s because of intergenerational trauma. So I worked very hard to make sure that my kids feel connected to me and to each other.’
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‘At one stage there was a big disconnect because I was so unwell – I mean five years in bed. And the only thing I could do was get the kids to come and sit with me, just share that moment, watch TV. I might not have been mentally present, but I was physically present in that connected space at that time.’
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‘We were not always flush with cash. I remember one time when we were really struggling and we couldn’t go out and do anything and the kids were going absolutely stir crazy feeling trapped in the house. We thought, ‘what do we have on hand at home that we can do together as a family?’
We decided we were gonna run a family Dungeons and Dragons game. That gave the kids that sort of feeling that even though they weren’t going anywhere, they were still doing something, they were actively participating together and we were all having a really good time.’
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‘When my wife was really sick and was away from home quite a bit in ‘get well’ centres, the kids were really quite young, and we did whatever we could do to keep that connection.
One of the kids would go and stay with her every few weeks. Some of them weren’t all that keen on it but now when they’re older and they still talk about some of the good things that they did when they were there. It was good for my wife too because she got to see the kids and felt that she was still part of the family – still needed, still wanted.’
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‘Me and my kids had been moving around. We stayed in this one horrible refuge after being shunted around refuges, we were pretty worn down by then…
‘We used to basically get out of the refuge and just find something to do. We were really lucky that we had access to public transport, which was really affordable. So we could go places.
‘We just used to do stuff together. We had this thing we used to say, we were ‘the happiest homeless people’. That was our saying. That was the thing that kept us going.’
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‘When I had a child myself, I understood my family much better, and I got closer to family.
I wasn’t very close with my mum but she was part of the first group of people who got COVID when it was really scary and in my home country COVID was equal to death. And I had that moment of ’I might not have more time!’ I video-called her often. We talked about many things and began to understand each other, we got much closer. She survived.’
What would you add to this list of ideas? When was a time connection mattered to you and your family?
What can get in the way of connection?
Even though connection can be so valuable there might be things that really get in the way. And although in some ways we are more connected than ever through things like technology, many of us feel lonely and isolated.
Exhaustion, shame, stigma and worry
It can be hard to reach out for, or take up offers of, connection especially if doing so in the past has led to experiences of discrimination, stigma, violence, abuse, bullying and judgement. Being treated as different because of who we are or our situation, can lead us to feel uncertain about how people might respond. We might fear rejection and feel we need to make exhausting choices about how much of ourselves we share with others in order to stay safe.
Poverty and financial stress
Things like not having access to public transport, the car being broken down, and being unable to afford fuel or phone credit can keep us isolated from others, especially if we have to travel outside our community to find connection. It’s even harder when you’re also responsible for caring for others, are new to the local language, or are dealing with illness, distress, pain and/or disability.
Time
A lot of us feel really busy. Our lives can be made even busier if we have to go to Foodbanks to have enough to eat, are a sole parent, have to work long hours, or have demanding care responsibilities. This can mean we don’t have time for all the relationships we might like to have and we have to choose which ones to prioritise.
Being apart
Sometimes the people, country, communities or places we feel connected to are far away. We can find it harder to feel connected to loved ones that have died, or those who we’ve been separated from or lost contact with. Sometimes we lose connections with people who matter to us, and this can cause us pain.
14-year-old, kinship care, Victoria
Abuse, violence and unsafety
In some relationships we might feel love and connection at times, but fear, unsafety and disconnection at others, which can be really tricky to navigate. It might not always be possible to remain connected and keep ourselves safe.
Sometimes we might make new connections that are unsafe or become unsafe, there are some signs to look out for, such as if people start to:
- embarrass or put you down
- act in ways that scare you
- try to control you or keep you isolated
- intimidate or hurt you (physically, emotionally or sexually)
- tell you that you are a bad parent or threaten to harm your children; or
- blame you for their behaviour, or act like it’s not really happening.
Some more information about signs of unsafe relationships to look out for can be found on the Say It Loud website.
Self-esteem
People of all ages can sometimes feel like they need to be a different version of ourselves in order to find connection, especially on social media. We might feel like we’re not good enough. It can be difficult navigating around connections because we don’t want to lose the relationships we have or start new ones in case we lose them. And it usually feels rubbish when we’re having to squash parts of ourselves just to fit in.
Take a moment to think about:
- What are the things that can make connection harder to access for you and your family?
- Who in your life knows about these things you’re up against, and about what it takes to seek connection in those circumstances?
- What advice would you give other families in similar situations about how to connect in spite of these challenges?
What can you do to create connections?
Not all of the following resources will be relevant for everyone. For example, if your family is not always a safe place for you, then you might like to focus on connections outside your family.
Emerging Minds connectedness resources
Have a look at the following options and choose what feels right for you and your family.
(Cards will be added below once module becomes available)
For practitioners
Are you a practitioner wanting to give this resource to a person or family? Check out our practitioner guide.